Growing up with all brothers, a conservative father, and a generally male dominant family, being in my feminine was not so much an option. It felt forbidden. The masculine influences in my life tried to protect that sweet innocence, as fathers and big brothers often do.
Throughout my adolescence I was in fear of my sexuality, and intimacy in general. I had learned many damaging beliefs: you’ll get pregnant, catch a disease, the man will leave you, all men want from you is sex and your body etc. So I lived in fear of this sexual connection with another, believing it would only take something valuable from me or hurt me deeply.
Once I got well into my twenty’s, after a long monogamous relationship, I swung the pendulum to the other side and let my sexuality run free and wild. Not understanding how and why, my energy was chaotic and scattered. I was releasing my power as if it was worth nothing at all.
It wasn’t until I started dancing again that I realized this body is mine, and I can do all and anything I so choose. I realized that anytime I was giving out my power freely for these men to fulfill something empty inside, I was depleted of my true essence and power. Having little respect for my body, the intimacy I experienced existed merely in my mind and ego. I craved the detached, temporary pleasure. It was easy. I didn’t have to commit, I didn’t have to feel, I didn’t have to stay around… Once I realized the unhealthy motives and consequences of my unconscious sexual behavior, I became committed to deepening my intimate connection with myself, and to use this as the basis for my intimacy with others.
Fast forward 11 years later, a ton of shadow work and facing myself, I now truly honor this temple. I love ME deeply. I respect and trust her enough to live in integrity and discern through her intuition. In stark contrast to my earlier years, I now only let the energy that vibrates to the alignment I’ve created within myself to enter my sacred temple. Harnessing this life force energy I’ve activated within has become the most important thing to me. Knowing that this is where I create from, this is where my strength and focus lives. I can’t live any other way at this point. Only activating more and more, going deeper and deeper, is what I choose.
Today I feel called to share this cherished work with others. My passion to help people on their journey to their erotic and intimate nature is rooted not in a belief that I've always been naturally talented in this realm, but in an understanding that I have risen to my empowered state only through experience and forgiveness.
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